Good Things That Make a Bad Marriage - Video

Title: Good Things That Make a Bad Marriage

Series: Good Housekeeping

Text: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Gen. 2:24).

Scripture Reading: Genesis 2:18–25

Introduction

It would be difficult to find a relationship with as many possibilities for good but in as much difficulty as marriage. The continuing increase in divorces testifies to the problems faced in marriage. There are as many recipes for a successful marriage as couples who have experienced good marriages.

I. Individuality

David Mace has called marriage a “partnership of equals” (Whom God Hath Joined [Philadelphia: Westminster, 1953], 60). The truth of Galatians 3:28 is to be realized in marriage: “There is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.” Husband and wife are called to respect each other as individuals and treat each other as equals. Kahlil Gibran wrote in The Prophet:

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls . . .

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

A partnership of equals is more difficult to maintain than a relationship between tyrant and slave. A democracy demands more of its people than a dictatorship. Marriage must have partners skilled in teamwork, cooperation, and a willingness to change roles if needed. A high degree of trust and open communication is crucial. The good quality of individuality makes for a bad marriage when these other elements are missing. When rights are stressed more than responsibility and the relationship is marked by demands and domination, the marriage is in grave danger. That kind of individuality makes a bad marriage.

II. Sex

Sexuality is a gift of God: “Male and female created he them . . . And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed” (Gen. 1:27; 2:25). An old rabbinic saying goes “The man is restless while he misses his rib that was taken out of his side; and the woman is restless till she gets under the man’s arm, from whence she was taken.” A healthy sexual relationship is a good part of marriage. “Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency” (1 Cor. 7:5).

On the other hand, sex characterized by lust, desire out of control, can ruin a good relationship. “That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God” (1 Thess. 4:4–5).

Sex void of love can bring the downfall of a good marriage. A survey of women noted that the third highest problem causing depression was the absence of romantic love in marriage. The emotional well-being of a wife is the specific responsibility of her husband. Courting should not stop when the vows are said. Sex without love that is patient and kind—not boastful, proud, rude, or self-seeking—will always make a bad marriage.

III. Commitment

Good marriages call for commitment—individuals committed to each other. “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh” (Matt. 19:5). Marriage partners must be committed to integrity, hard work, and purity in thought, word, and deed. They also must be committed to church and community.

Yet overcommitment can make a bad marriage. James Dobson says, “Overcommitment is the number one marriage killer. We lack the discipline to limit our entanglements with the world, choosing instead to be dominated by our work and the materialistic gadgetry it will bring. And what is sacrificed in the process are the loving relationships with wives and children and friends who give life meaning” (Straight Talk to Men and Their Wives [Waco: Word, 1980], 136).

Marriage requires quality time. It is impossible for “two to become one” without a qualitative investment in each other’s lives. Overcommitment will ruin a good marriage.

Conclusion

Individuality, sex, and commitment are ingredients for a good marriage.

Pervert these gifts into domination, lust or absence of love, and overcommitment, and the result will be a bad marriage. With Christ’s help the good can become better. A prayer written by David Mace expresses the direction we must take: “May we so value our homes and loved ones, O God, that for their sakes no toil will seem too hard, no sacrifice too great, no offering too costly.

As husband and wife, may we discover that because we love each other we can work the better, and because we work together we can love more truly” (Whom God Hath Joined, 80).